A Deep Understanding

I woke up today with a heavy heart.  My dreams often haunt me and expose the darkest parts of my soul.  Sometimes I remember the dream while other times I have no recollection of them although I wake up utterly shaken and the darkness of it weighs heavily.  I awake with feelings of deep sorrow, confusion and pain.  Where did this come from and why did it have to plague me today?  Why when everything is good and right do these dreams come in and stick a knife in my heart? 

I opened up my Jesus Calling book after I got up and came across this: "Come to Me for understanding, since I know you far better then you know yourself.  I comprehend you in all your complexity; no detail of your life is hidden from Me.  I view you through eyes of grace, so don't be afraid of My intimate awareness.  Allow the Light of My healing Presence to shine into the deepest recesses of your being- cleansing, healing, refreshing, and renewing you ... I speak to you from the depths of your being.  Hear me saying soothing words of Peace, assuring you of My Love.  Do not listen to the voices of accusation, for they are not from Me ... My Spirit convicts cleanly, without crushing words of shame.  Let the Spirit take charge of your mind, combing out tangles of deception" (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, p80 & 82). 

Wow, so beautiful!  I often forget the depths of His understanding.  It is easy to remember that He created me and breathed life into me- those truths were drilled into my head as a child.  What I tend to forget is that not only did He create me but He knows me better then I know myself.  He sees and understands the complexities of my heart, which so often I don't even understand!  As I wake up and relive these huntings I am not alone; He is right there next to me.  What a comfort to know that there is another who can feel my pain, see my struggle and truly understand it.  I may not immediately resolve the issues that these hauntings root from but I am learning how to peacefully put them to rest and move forward with my day.  I am able to take comfort in His presence and fill up with His strength. 

There is something incredible about His intimate knowledge of our hearts.  I think it brings us to a whole new level and awareness of His love.  He sees those dark things that plague us.  He understands them.  He STILL loves us despite them.  He doesn't grow tired of our constant inward battles, in fact He lifts us up and carries us through them if we allow Him.  If you struggle with similar hurt and pain remember to take comfort in His understanding and seek refuge in His arms.  Draw from His strength and find peace. 

"O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.  You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away ... Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." -Psalm 139 1-2, 23
 

An Answered Prayer

"Thank you, Thank you, Thank you God!"  These are the words that were excitedly running through my head as it hit the pillow last night.  I probably fell asleep with a smile on my face. This week has been an answer to prayer in so many wonderful ways and I am thrilled to say the least.

When I was a child I wanted to be a writer.  As I grew up things began to change and I didn't think I had what it took to accomplish that dream.  Without encouragement and also a lack of practice for that matter it became more and more of a vague dream and soon I totally forgot about it.

Over the last few years I really began to become aware of  my gift of exhortation.  God gave me something beautiful ... something that I could do so much with.  As I prayed and prayed that God would build this gifting up in me I wondered how He would use me ...

About two years ago I randomly started a blog ... My husband was in military training and away from our family for six months and I found that writing really helped ease my loneliness.  I quickly fell in love with blogging, the only problem was that nobody really read it.  Never the less I kept going and God kept working in my heart.  He gave me so much to say.  I began to see that I could use my exhortation through writing. I didn't write fluffy things to make my people feel sunny and bright but instead I used my own life circumstances to try to relate with people.  I'm a real person going through real struggles.  It isn't always sunny and bright- it's hard and sometimes it sucks- BUT He is always there to walk me through those struggles and He gets me to the other side safely.  I've learned that by humbling myself (which is a HUGE ongoing process in me!) and letting people see my struggles I am offering something that other people can connect with. 

Still, I didn't really have any readers other then a couple good friends and of course my family.  It kind of got frustrating and I felt like I was wasting my time.  Writing had again become my passion and yearning, but I had nobody to share in it with.  But, I still kept writing.  After a year and a half I stumbled across the incourage submission page.  I half heartedly submitted something that I wrote last summer and then didn't think about it again.  Although I was enjoying writing, I was very insecure about my writing abilities.  I didn't think anything would come of it.  Boy was I surprised to get an email saying that I would be posted in March ... I was elated!!!

Having my article up on Thursday literally changed everything.  It was an amazing feeling to have so many strangers from around the world reading my simple words.  I was so blessed by the response!  The next day, yesterday, I found the incourage community site ... (smile and emotional tears) ... I can't express to you the sheer joy and excitement I have for this treasure.  I have been searching and praying for something like this community for so long and at last He brought me to it.  The immediate response from all of the wonderful women was amazing.  I felt apart of a family right away.  Knowing that I can write the things that He has laid on my heart and be able to reach even a couple of people's hearts and encourage them is enough to happily sustain me for a long time. Likewise, I am so thrilled and honored to be able to return the favor and enlighten myself through their writing and words!  I am so very excited for the opportunity be apart of this group of women and to share among them. 

Sometimes God renews childhood dreams ... Sometimes He closes doors for a while so that He can mature us so that when the door re-opens we are better equipped for what He has in store.  It's an exciting journey and I am so blessed to be on it.  This week has comforted me, inspired me and proved to me once again that He knows what He is doing! 

Stand By Me? Ok ... Maybe ...

1 Thessalonians 5:11 "So encourage each other and build each other up ..."

I hate going to the gym ... you practically have to tie me up and drag me there.  You would probably never see me running on the treadmill if it were up to me showing up on my own.  I know it's good for me and that it's important but I don't like it ... plain and simple.  The times that I am there and stick with the routine of going are when I am with my girlfriends.  There is something about having that support person with you that makes it so much easier to endure.  She encourages me while I trudge through and provides the support that I need.  In the end I feel so great about going and doing something good for myself !

The same can be true in other areas of our life.  We all face struggles at some point in our lives ... whether it be the struggle of a hard day at home with the little ones, the struggle of a crumbling marriage, the struggle of a daunting project, the struggle with a loss of a job or a loved one ... Who can you turn to when those issues hit?

I am a very independent person.  I don't like to accept help, I don't like people to know when I am struggling and I often times try to resolve my issues on my own in the quiet of my own little world.  It is very hard for me to let people in and see me when I am weak.  If I let my guard down, won't people see my vulnerability and look down on me?  Isn't it safer to just keep it all in and try to get through it on my own?  It is certainly more comfortable to do things that way ...

Over the last year God has been teaching me so much about humility.  I've learned that keeping my insecurities, fears and struggles inside just because I am afraid of what people will think about me is pride.  Maybe He is letting me face these struggles because my experiences will help me make an even more powerful impact on someone else then if I just try to comfort alone.   

I've been blessed with some amazing friends who have patiently watched me slowly break down the walls of my pride.  They stand by me and support me through my struggles, encourage me when I am down and make me comfortable enough to open up about the hard things.  When they see me open up and share they are comfortable to do the same.  We tackle life so much better in teams and it is so much more joyful to share in celebration when we have made it through together. 

God has blessed us with community.  He wanted us to have fellowship with others and be able to lean on each other in good times and bad.  We aren't made to sit alone and try to fix our problems ourselves.  Isn't it awesome that He has given us such a wonderful gift?!  Next time you are facing struggles that you are scared of sharing or seeking support about, consider letting someone in.  Sometimes He uses other people as tools to do His mighty works in our lives.  As with the gym situation, sometimes having a companion walk with you through the daunting situations in life allows things to be so much easier and more manageable.  Likewise, we should remember to be on the watch for our friends facing difficult times.  Offer encouragement, lift them up in prayer and be the friend that you would want there for you. 

What impact has supportive friends had on your life?  Do you find that the dark situations are easier to handle when you let someone in rather then dwelling in them alone?

The Battlefield For Our Minds

One of the strongholds that I face in life is looking backward rather then forward.  I am often tormented with the "what if's" ... What if I had made different choice's? What if I would have taken another road? What if I would have worked harder in this area? What if I would have just waited? What if I had been more careful about what I said? ... When I get into these ruts I begin to quickly drown in depression and anxiety.  It is not a good place to dwell.

I recently started reading The Rules Of Engagement by Cindy Trimm.  Cindy showed me that my "what if" problem was much easier to overcome then I thought.  "The most precious commodity in the earth realm is the mind.  Not only is God vying for our minds, but the enemy is vying for your mind as well" (Trimm, 40).  So often we forget that there is a spiritual battle going on around us.  Our souls are constantly being fought for. 

Ephesians 6:12  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.


The enemy is always there whispering lies into our minds.  He too knows our weakness, our hurts, our desires and he slithers his way in and feeds on that.  He takes advantage of that knowledge and creates thoughts in our heads to make us believe that they are our own and that we should act on them.  He plants ideas, strife and confusion and if we are ignorant to his deceitful tools we fall victim and are seduced in.  Isn't that a horrible thought? 

It sounds so daunting and dark ... how can we escape it?  How can we take control of our minds and keep the enemy out?  The great news is that God is all powerful and will always prevail and win out in the end.  He is all we need and He will conquer.  When we immerse ourselves in His Word and stay prayerful in all things, we silence the enemy.  Prayer invades darkness.  Through prayer and petition we should seek daily protection from God, that He would not only keep us physically safe but also protect our mind and spirit. 

Ephesians 6:13-18 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.  In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Now when I start to dip into the "what if's" I quickly turn my thoughts to the Lord.  He knows every detail of my life ... where I have been, where I am going, my heart and my desires and He has my best interest at heart.  I am His precious child and He LOVES me deeply.  So, the "what if's" don't matter anymore.  They aren't healthy, they aren't me and they don't root from God.  I prayerfully submit those thoughts to Him, put Him back in control and breathe a sigh of relief.  It is wonderful to feel those burdens lift and have His peace wash over me. 

Be adamantly aware of the enemy and his influences.  Don't go through life oblivious to his deceitful demise or he will get the best of you.  Cover yourself in the Holy Spirit and keep your thoughts centered around the Lord.  The difference that it makes is astounding and so freeing!

Can you think of times when you were all of a sudden consumed by depression, regret, anger or anxiety? How do you fight back and surrender mind control to the Lord?

Oh Where Oh Where Has My Inspiration Gone?

Where has the time gone?  It seems like forever since I have sat here and written ... When I write, I write to inspire, encourage, uplift and challenge.  Whether the talent is there or not is debatable but I believe it is a gift from God and that He uses me as a tool to reach others.  So what does that have to do with my absence?  Read on and you'll see ...

For the last few months I have struggled, not with my faith but in my faith.  To put it plainly I became lazy.  I loved my Jesus deeply but it became an effort to pick up my bible, to pray, to do my bible study, etc.  Sometimes it was easier to look the other way and do what was easiest - to please the flesh.  Nothing too dramatic, just me being selfish and putting myself ahead of Him ... a lot.  I'm not afraid to admit that because I don't feel like I ever pretend to be somebody that I'm not.  I'm human ... I fall short, I have been known to make a poor choice or two and I struggle just like everyone else. 

After going through a period of serious struggle last spring with my husbands job situation and everything that came along with that I was exhausted from praying and pleading with God.  It took a huge emotional toll on my husband and I.  Our God came through for us, provided for us and gave us a sweet victory in the end, but then it seemed like after everything went from bad to good, we stopped relying on God.  We didn't have to come and present our pleas and burdens to Him because life was pretty good.  Unintentionally, I think we felt that life was in a place that we could handle things ourselves.  I let myself drift away. Big mistake ...

While nothing crashed and burned, I felt more and more empty.  I LOVE to write.  I am passionate about words.  I LOVE the feeling of being overwhelmed with the possibilities and directions that my writing can take.  I LOVE hearing God speak to me and the feeling that comes with connecting with Him.  When in relationship with Him there comes a feeling of closeness and security that you cannot find anywhere else.  I missed that.  I missed hearing Him and I missed being inspired by Him.  When you don't stop and listen to Him, you can't hear Him.  It gets pretty quiet on both ends.

It's funny because when I was at a low point in my life yet still relying on Him, His words and encouragement flowed through me like crazy.  I was inspired with incredible things.  We were connected, communicating and in relationship with each other.  After letting myself drift away from that relationship everything fell into a quiet lull and I knew I needed to make a change.  After a lot of prayer and pressing in I came to a place where I started to connect again.  By just adding Him back into my life a little at a time and giving Him the time that He so desired from me things began to change.  I feel that old familiar tug at my spirit.  I feel the urge to learn and grow.  It is awesome!  One of the big lessons I learned from this time away is that as much as we want to use our gifts, reach others and make a difference we are nothing without Him.  When I was disconnected I could not think of a single thing to say.  I wanted to write, but there was nothing there. 

What it comes down to is that we all need Him to be the best that we are capable of being.  Life can be easy, rewarding and fulfilling but it can be even BETTER if He is a part of it.  He can take our talents and push us to levels we never imagined or ever gotten to on our own.  Don't just rely on Him when things are tough and trying, make Him the ruler of your entire life, bad and good.  He can make the good sweeter then ever if you let Him.  So ... I'm back ...  The prodigal daughter has returned.  The ideas are flowing, my heart is back in the right place, I have learned a valuable lesson and I am ready to press into Him and see where He takes me. 

Your Life Is Going to Change Me

"Wherever you are, whenever it's right,

You'll come outta nowhere and into my life."

     When my second child was only nine months old, I found out that I was pregnant again.  So many people that I know (and don't know for that matter) would have been thrilled at that kind of surprise, but I was devastated.  The news came completely out of left field and we were shocked to say the least.  Our family was not in a stable financial place.  We already had two very young children and it was a challenge enough with them.  Neither one of our cars were big enough for three car seats, our house was only a three bedroom ... three kids would mean a lot of changes. 

     I struggled so much with accepting the pregnancy and it took a huge emotional toll on me.  Fear ruled my emotions as I was so scared to be bringing another child into the world and felt like the timing couldn't have been worse.  Why would God throw this on us during a time when we were struggling in so many other areas?  It didn't seem fair.  Selfishly, I stayed in my self pity for a few months.  I didn't allow myself to feel any joy or excitement and instead fell into depression. 

     One day, while at an event that my Mom was hosting I ended up in a conversation with one of the other guests.  Without me even bringing up my disappointment about my pregnancy she looked at me and said, "Sometimes the best gifts are those that we least expect or that drop into our laps at the most inconvenient times.  God is going to use this child in mighty ways and she will surpass everything you could ever wish for, for her." Wow ...  I was blown away!

     At that moment, I remembered the verse that I had heard so many times before, "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11.  I felt so ashamed for my actions.  Yes, this was an inopportune time, we weren't ready, we were scared, we had no clue how it was going to work but God created this child specifically for us, to not only bless us but to bless the world.  She was our incredible gift from Him.  All of the little details didn't matter anymore.  It would work.  God knew my heart.  He knew our family.  Before the beginning of time, He knew that we were meant to be together. 

"And I know that we can be so amazin'

And baby your love is gonna change me

And now I can see every possibility

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out

You'll make me work so we can work to work it out

And I promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet."

     Almost three years later that baby is a beautiful, bouncing child who is filled with joy from head to toe.  Things haven't always been foot loose and fancy free, but we have made it.  She adds so much zest to our family and we would never be complete without her smiling face.  Though she can definitely be a feisty little thing and she challenges me like no other, she is exactly who God created her to be and I love her to pieces for that.  She never ceases to amaze me and I am convinced everyday that this little girl is going to be something utterly amazing.  God is going to work through her and do incredible things in her life. 

     So often I look at her and remember back to feeling so hopeless and scared- although now I am comforted by those memories because God has proved to remain faithful and true to His Word. Sometimes the best gifts are those that we least expect or that drop into our laps at the most inconvenient times.  Be thankful for the surprises that God throws your way.  He can bless our socks off, even in the midst of hardship and doubt. 

"And I know that we can be so amazin'

And bein' in your life is gonna change me

And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out

And I'll work to work it out

Promise you kid I’ll give more than I get"

Michael Buble

A Little Dose of Humility

Proverbs 16:18-19 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud."

Recently I had the opportunity to suck up my pride and humble myself like never before.  If you know me, you know that I rarely bring myself to that level ... it's hard.  Pride is a sin that every one of us struggles with.  It plagues us and can ruin relationships and other things that we hold dear in our lives.  It also builds walls and keep us from God.  I learned the hard way what happens when we allow pride to rule our hearts and minds.

A few years ago a very good friend of mine, who happened to live up the street from me, moved away.  Our families were very good friends and we had strong bonds between us.  We spent a lot of time with these people.  They were the type of friends who you could call at 5:00 p.m. on a Saturday night and say, "whats for dinner?" and just show up at their door five minutes later.  Even though they only moved a few minutes away, I was devastated to lose the close connection that we had shared as close neighbors as well as friends.  I also wished that my own family were at the point in which we were ready to move into a bigger house and frankly there was some jealousy brewing in my heart.

To keep myself from feeling replaced, envious and sad I completely shut these friends out.  I made no attempts to have any sort of remnant of our previous friendship.  This went on for two years.  Did I feel better as planned?  Sometimes it didn't bother me at all as I numbed myself pretty well.  Other times I would terribly miss my friends and the closeness that we shared.  My friend on the other hand had come to me on a few separate occasions, very upset and completely in the dark as to what had happened to our friendship.  I flat out lied,  made up excuses and brushed her off.  I knew in my heart that to mend this friendship I would have to come clean and honestly it was easier to lose a great friend then to admit my pride.  Isn't that sad?  Pride can do awful things to your heart. 

During my prayer time I, clear as day heard God to tell me that I had to deal with this.  Even when I continued to brush off His words, He kept drilling it in to my head.  When God wants you to do something, you do it.  If you don't, He will find a way to get things done another way.  After months and months of praying about the situation I finally made the decision to do the right thing although I was sick to my stomach about it.  Knowing that I caused such a wonderful friend such pain because of my own selfish pride was a very hard thing to admit- especially to her!  And God wasn't about let me to write an email ... I had to tell her to her face. 

I met up with my friend, which was terribly uncomfortable.  I won't lie, there was a reason that we met for margarita's!  I just opened my mouth and let it all spill out.  I admitted my sin, owned up to everything that I had done and asked for her forgiveness.  Surprisingly, she got teary eyed and gladly accepted my apology and forgave me for everything.  She didn't point any fingers or hold anything against me.  She welcomed back her "prodigal friend" and I was very happy.  That was even more humbling!

Instead of feeling exposed, lowely and awful like I thought I would feel after completely humbling myself, I felt free.  Free to just let go all of those weighing feelings that pinned me down for some long.  Free to finally let things be the way they were supposed to, without pressure, without keeping up a fake fisade or anything else.  It will take time for my friend and I to come to the place that we were once at, but I am confidant that when God brings such great people into our lives, if we obey Him, He will guide those relationships back to where He can bless us through them again. 

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done.  Nobody likes to admit when they have caused strife and hurt people.  Nobody likes to be seen as weak or vulnerable either.  As a person who holds herself up very strongly and depends on others for very little, this brought me to my knees and humbled me greatly.  I challenge you to look at where your pride lies ... we all have it in some place or another.  Pray on that and ask God what He wants you to do with it.  You might be surprised at how freeing it really is to let go and let God.  When you let go of your pride you also allow Him to work in your life and bestow even greater blessings on your own life. Psalms 149:4 "For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation."